What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
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I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating