Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.