Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
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clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I think we should hear other voices.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”