A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Remember folks 😂
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO