im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
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i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I don’t get marriage
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I didn’t realize that was an option
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
courtroom exchange of the day
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away