We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
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My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
This woman is my idol. Free her.