*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
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You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup