The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine