I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
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[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
plums roundup
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
how was your vacation
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Need WebMD
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.