It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
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I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”