what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
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Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
This meal prepping shit easy
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.