Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
we all know this pain all too well
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My patience has stretch marks.