This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Netflix and awkward silence?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”