*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
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[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
There are usually two types of merchants.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Ugh
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
ACED my prostate exam!
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s