My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
The best plant holders?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.