I’m giving up ice.
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I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*puts my mental health in rice
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I need this for my side hustle.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
True.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it