At what age should you put the tonsils back in
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If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling