If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
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HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Always…
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.