JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
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People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
emergency phone
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Mistakes were made
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?