Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
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The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
A duv-egg? In this economy?