Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Hmmmmm
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Love it! 👍😂
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
good morning
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Saturday