They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
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I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
😂💯
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Two types of dogs.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.