i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.