U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case