To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
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After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
How is it still this week?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
If a snake ate a cake
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu