Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
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[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.