In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Mornin. * use accordingly
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo