Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
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Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?