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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons