I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
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[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*