“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
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GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe