FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
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Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”