calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
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[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I want this so bad
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants