Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
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4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.