when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
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I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”