Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!