I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
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James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
dam girl
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH