Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
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coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me My dog
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit