Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.