We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
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WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”