spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.