[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
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Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.