HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.