what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
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Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name