Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
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Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.