Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
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I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
*seductively corrects your posture*
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”