I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
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Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
ibopfufen
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon