the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
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Check your privilege
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
eggs benadryl
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake