I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
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*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”