8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
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by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good